Everyone desires a marriage that lasts beyond 20 years. The good news? Couples in lasting marriages prioritize unselfishness, ensuring their partner's needs take precedence, creating a stronger bond. These 20 traits will help you strengthen your long-term relationship!
A successful marriage is viewed by many as an essential aspect of life. Yet, research shows that the odds aren't always in favor of maintaining a lasting relationship, with approximately 50% of marriages ending in divorce. In contrast, those who navigate their way through the complexities of love and commitment can enjoy many wonderful years together. My wife and I recently celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary, and from my experience, I can affirm that intentionality and unselfishness play a significant role. Here are 20 powerful traits that I’ve observed in couples who are in marriages that last 20+ years. Embrace these insights to enrich your partnership and increase your chances of long-term happiness.
1. Unselfishness is Key
A strong marriage requires putting your partner's needs before your own, even if you’re naturally inclined to be selfish at times. Recognizing that your relationship thrives on mutual consideration is pivotal. Couples in long-term marriages tend to share these powerful traits that keep their bond strong through it all, allowing both partners to feel valued and supported.
2. Realistic Expectations
Accepting that neither you nor your partner is perfect is crucial. Acknowledging personal imperfections and accepting that mistakes will happen helps ground expectations in reality. Unrealistic fantasies can lead to disappointment; focus on the commitment rather than on an idealized version of marriage.
3. Married to Each Other’s Families
Family dynamics can significantly affect a marriage. Both partners need to acknowledge and accept their partner's familial quirks. Standing united against external pressures can prevent misunderstandings and future conflicts stemming from the extended family.
4. Effective Communication
Open and ongoing communication fosters trust and resolves conflicts. Studies by renowned psychologist John Gottman emphasize that ongoing dialogue helps couples stay connected and manage disagreements effectively, enhancing the overall health of the relationship.
5. Speak Kindly
Words have power. Utilizing tender, supportive language nurtures a loving environment. Harsh or critical language can erode trust, while kindness creates an emotional safe space. Research underscores that couples who embrace a culture of kindness experience significantly more satisfaction in their marriages.
6. Shared Interests and Goals
Common interests can fortify your relationship and provide a foundation for shared experiences. Couples that engage in activities together often foster deeper connections and enjoy their time with each other.
7. Awareness of the Journey Ahead
Understanding what you’re both getting into is vital. Couples who go into the relationship with their eyes wide open often enjoy better outcomes. Having a clear picture of each other's expectations and patterns helps mitigate potential issues down the road.
8. Intentional Intimacy
Prioritizing intimacy allows partners to connect on a deeper level. Over time, intimacy may slip down the priority list, but making it intentional helps couples stay bonded. This connection plays an essential role in maintaining emotional and physical fulfillment.
9. Avoiding Absolutes
Avoid using phrases like "you always" or "you never." Such language is often misleading and can put your partner on the defensive. Focus instead on specific behaviors and address issues as they arise, thus promoting a healthier dialogue.
10. Valuing the Marriage
Recognizing the worth of your relationship is essential. If you cherish your marriage, others will respect it as well. Acknowledging its value prevents external forces from devaluing your relationship.
11. Transparency and Trust
Openly sharing your secrets creates intimacy and encourages mutual healing. Keeping secrets often builds walls between partners, while transparency draws couples closer together, enhancing trust and emotional connection.
12. Commitment to Monogamy
Faithfulness is a cornerstone of any marriage. Engaging in a relationship without exclusivity often leads to heartbreak. Couples who prioritize monogamy are likely to experience lasting happiness.
13. Disagreement Ground Rules
Setting clear rules for conflict resolution is fundamental. Couples should agree on how to argue effectively, not allowing disagreements to escalate into unhealthy confrontations. This practice helps mitigate misunderstandings and fosters resolution.
14. Apologies Matter
Admitting when you're wrong is challenging but essential. Apologizing diffuses tension and encourages forgiveness, ultimately advancing the relationship.
15. Focus on Personal Growth
Working on individual self-improvement can lead to healthier relationships. Acknowledging personal flaws before attempting to ‘fix’ your partner reduces conflict and increases understanding. Marriage Takes More Than Love, a book discussed in similar contexts, emphasizes personal accountability as vital for sustained happiness.
16. Recognize Evolving Dynamics
Evolution is part of every marriage. The initial passion may evolve, requiring effort to maintain a vibrant connection. Acknowledging this evolution prompts couples to adapt and prioritize their relationship throughout different life phases.
17. Let Go of Scorekeeping
Keeping a mental scoreboard can be detrimental. Focus on celebrating successes rather than nurturing grudges. Couples who recognize and appreciate each other’s efforts cultivate a more satisfying relationship.
18. Collaborative Decision Making
Making big decisions together fosters unity and prevents resentments. Address matters such as finances, career changes, and children cooperatively, ensuring neither partner feels blindsided.
19. Attention to Small Details
Small acts of kindness and consideration can lead to significant relationship satisfaction. Ignoring these details can cause frustration and resentment, emphasizing the importance of nurturing every aspect of the relationship.
20. The All-In Commitment
Don't merely ‘expect’ a thriving relationship. Go all-in, emotionally and practically. This level of commitment not only promotes stability but boosts overall marital satisfaction. Fulfilling both partners' needs strengthens emotional support and enhances a couple's ability to face external challenges together.
A successful marriage requires more than luck; intentional actions, shared values, and open communication can tip the odds in your favor. By embracing these 20 traits, you’ll not only enrich your relationship but also increase the likelihood of enjoying a lasting partnership.
As someone who has navigated the joys and challenges of marriage, I can assure you that these insights from couples in long-term marriages have the potential to make a meaningful difference in your life together.
Tor Constantino, a veteran writer and relationship columnist, hopes these insights help you cultivate a fruitful and lasting partnership.